Boundaries from me to me

E asks for words of wisdom (or straight up exercises) for working on, essentially, boundaries from me to me? From naming them to adhering to them!

My book, Unsolicited Advice: A Consent Educator's (Canceled) Memoir, is available only on Substack and starts here.

What would you like to ask a consent educator? Submit your questions here and I’ll answer them on this Substack.

Applications are open for my Consent-Based Teaching Artist Program!

My musical, SQUIRM: A True Story, opens June 8th at Hollywood Fringe! Listen to the album here.

E asks: Words of wisdom (or straight up exercises) for working on, essentially, boundaries from me to me? From naming them to adhering to them!

I know self compassion and community are major ingredients, and also…it’s hard to build interdependency when I’m unreliable to myself. I’m working on prioritizing my health and wellbeing (sleep, food, water- then maybe more medical specialists) over my passions and values like art and liberation. I see it all bound as simultaneous and equally, non-hierarchically vital; yet I know it’s on me to always balance pushing myself to learn my capacity (and build it) and also my limits so I can communicate both honestly. Securing my relationship to myself will take time, I know, but I find myself stuck in the self-reflection and struggling to take action.

I see this as a question about consent with yourself, which is one of my favorite topics!!

I’ll start with a refrain you’ve heard if you’ve ever taken one of my classes: no opportunity to practice is too small. Another thing I talk about in class that I’ll weave with this motto is that a lot of my confidence and trust in myself comes from repeating this process:

• Saying I’m gonna do a thing

• Doing it

• Getting to say I did it

This is true of any and all boundaries, whether we’re talking about friendships, romantic partnerships, the realm of sex, home, creativity/art, work, and so on. “Saying I’m gonna do a thing” can be as big as “I’m going to write a book” or as small as “I’m going to brush my teeth before bed tonight.” There are a lot of promises you’re already keeping to yourself, but they’re going unnoticed. See if you can notice them and name them so that you can begin to see them as things you follow through on already. This might shift your conception of yourself as a person who does or doesn’t follow through.

I’ll also share 3 Principles of Art-Making that I live by:

1. Practice and you will get better (If you do anything long enough, you will find your voice in that medium)

2. It's never too late to start

3. Consistency, consistency, consistency (Consistency beats innate skill/talent)

It might seem strange to bring creativity fundamentals into a discussion of boundaries with yourself, but I’ll point you to this article about Consent + Creativity: An Unexpected Link. In short, many people (myself included) arrive at consent education to learn how to communicate better and have more trust in their ability to navigate consent and boundaries with others, and then are very surprised to experience a creative boom. They pick up a paintbrush for the first time in years, or learn to play guitar. They finish that project they’ve had on the back burner, or start a new one they’ve been ideating. Applying these principles to boundaries with yourself, I’ll start by reiterating something you said which is that this is a practice and it will take time. As with taking on any new habit, skill, or craft, it takes repetition to get from your head into your body.

You mentioned self-compassion and I want to share some specifics of what that can look like. I’ll tie it to your goal of being reliable to yourself.

My book, Unsolicited Advice: A Consent Educator's (Canceled) Memoir, is available only on Substack and starts here.

What would you like to ask a consent educator? Submit your questions here and I’ll answer them on this Substack.

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Jean-Michel Basquiat