Creative expression as a mirror

Part I, Chapter 4: The Singer’s Breath: Consent and Confidence cont'd

What would you like to ask a consent educator? Submit your questions here and I’ll answer them on this Substack.

Being a paid subscriber supports getting anti-carceral consent education as far and wide as possible. If you’re in a country where the exchange rate makes a subscription inaccessible, email hello@sharetheloadinc.com for a 90% off code.

From my book, Unsolicited Advice: A Consent Educator's (Canceled) Memoir, only on Substack.

The book starts here.

Previous

Creative expression functions as a mirror for us. Every choice we make reveals our creativity to ourselves, and in doing so, shows us our voice. I see what’s important to me in every creative decision from what I wear, to the music I make, to the friends I keep close. This is another way we can find our confidence.

I don’t believe that with more confidence comes less insecurity. I think you can confidently say, “I’m feeling insecure right now.” I believe they can coexist and that part of being confident is knowing that the insecurity will pass and you will be okay. Lola Jean defines confidence as “comfort in discomfort.” I’d expand on that to include that confidence comes from a deep sense of self. Often I think people see confidence in those who have strong belief systems and clear convictions. I see incredible confidence in my friend CJ, who has the clearest moral compass of anyone I know, even though we sometimes disagree. I see deep confidence in my friend Michaela, who makes a lot of her choices based on the sustainability of the thing whether it’s a material object, an emotional investment, or a job. I see grounded self-knowledge and the confidence that comes with it from my friend Meenadchi, who asks me to support in her aftercare after a first session of a new class she’s teaching and feeling insecure about.

Confidence is integral to consent. I have to know myself well enough to know what I want; I have to feel I’m worthy of having those desires met; I have to have the courage to ask for them, and the strength to withstand a “no.” I listen better when I’m confident: grounded, present, listening with my whole body. I can be very selfish when I’m feeling insecure: I need to prove something to myself or someone else, recover, blame. I need external validation. That might come in the form of praise from a friend or a diploma that proves my credentials and legitimacy.

I learn this lesson over and over again. When I’m confident I can listen, be honest, empathize, be present. It’s embodied. Acting. Being. When I’m insecure I can’t be the person I want to be. I’m too worried about how I’m being perceived. Frenzied, needy. Performing. Trying. I cause the most harm when I’m feeling insecure. A lot of harm has been caused to me in situations someone close to me felt insecure. The first time I noticed this was with A, from Chapter 2, but it’s been a persistent pattern in others and in myself.

There’s a discount code to classes and a practice exercise for the content of this post below the paywall…