My needs don’t change because of someone else’s needs

What I’m noticing as I appease less

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As I appease less in my life, I’ve noticed a few things change.

1. My needs don't change because of someone else's needs.

2. I'm taking things a lot less personally. "We're incompatible" feels neutral.

3. I feel okay about eliminating behaviors and relationships from my life simply because they don't feel good.

4. People are leaving my life themselves when I don't simply agree with them uncritically, and that's okay.

Let’s get into each one…

1. My needs don't change because of someone else's needs.

It’s only relatively recently in my adult life that I’ve felt I’m allowed to have needs, that I deserve having them met, that I’ve known how to ask for them and done so. My needs are for me to get met, whether that’s me directly getting them met, asking for support from others, or making agreements within various relationships that set me up to get my needs met by the other person. Everyone has needs, so in each and every relationship in my life, I am consciously or unconsciously navigating with someone else how we can get our needs met in any given moment. Someone else's needs may be based on identity, neurodivergence, ability, and other aspects of who they are, as are some of mine. I can likely meet some of those needs. When I can’t, I can have compassion for those needs and sometimes push my own limits to accommodate, but my needs do not change. And I may not be able to meet someone else’s accessibility needs because of my accessibility needs (Ex. Someone with ADHD who struggles with scheduling and needs flexibility, and someone with anxiety who needs firm plans). My responsibility is to gauge my own capacity and be honest and realistic with the other person about whether or not I can meet their needs. If I can’t, that’s okay. It may change the relationship, but that’s okay. Which brings me to…

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Max from my own series called Portraits of Young Women from 2017.