N asks, "How do we tell if something was either non-consensual or SA/rape and does the answer determine if this person can be forgiven and kept in one’s life?"

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This is a repost of an article from late last year. Still so relevant!

N asks, “How do you tell if something was either non-consensual or sexual assault/rape and does the answer determine if this person can be forgiven and kept in one’s life?"

Let’s do a little education first…

Consent is a huge part of lives beyond sex. Sex is one area in which consent takes place, but consent is all around us in all of our relationships, including our relationship with ourselves. We do ourselves a huge disservice when we limit consent to the sexual realm.

Some examples of interpersonal and nonsexual consent violations:

• touching someone's hair without permission

• drinking out of someone's water bottle without asking

• slipping someone a weed brownie without their knowledge

• unsolicited advice/helping without permission

• trauma-dumping

• enlisting someone's professional services when their not at work (hi, therapist friends!)…

Why do consent violations occur?

The common belief around consent violations is that they are deliberate, intentional, and about seeking power.

While this is sometimes the case—and those are horrible that should be treated very delicately, with a lot of care, and can require serious intervention for the perpetrator—most consent violations come from:

• unclear boundaries

• conflicting needs

• internalized notions of what we “should” do or what we “should” want

• different definitions of terms such as “sex” (is oral “sex?” Is hand stuff “sex?” Is only PIV “sex” if you’re in a straight couple? What about butt stuff?")

• because a similar violation has happened to the person perpetuating it and they learned that it was okay

Note: Sexual assault is a kind of consent violation, but not all consent violations are sexual assault.

Regret ≠ someone is to blame.

The presence of regret does not necessarily mean that someone is to blame.

Feeling regret can mean:

• I just learned something about myself, including that I never want to do something again.

• I wouldn’t do something again if given the opportunity.

• I’ve found a new boundary / I need to update my boundaries.

• I am now aware that I wasn’t clear about something, and I can figure out how to be clearer moving forward.

It’s true that I am not safe in any kind of relationship with someone who repeatedly violates my clear boundaries. But it is also true that others are not safe with me if I am unable to know and clearly communicate my boundaries. If I don’t know what my boundaries are and can’t express them, I am not a safe person for others to be in relationship with because my truth will change constantly.

Boundaries are a communal effort. They are not the responsibility of any one person. And if I need others to read my mind in order to know how to treat me, then I am not creating a safe environment for either of us.

Recommending this newsletter in your recommendations list is the best way to help spread the word! xx

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Most sexual assault is not intentional. The question, then, is, “How do we want to handle unintentional harm?”