On Deprioritizing Authenticity

My book, Unsolicited Advice: A Consent Educator’s (Canceled) Memoir, is available only on Substack and starts here.

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In one of my recurring programs, I have aspiring consent educators do an exercise where they find their top ten values. Whenever I run the exercise, I do it with them. I’ve probably done it five or six times. Authenticity has always been in my top ten, until recently.

I’m a queer, nonbinary artist, so historically authentic self-expression has not only been key to my work and how I move through the world, but it’s been something I’ve also helped others with. I help mostly queer and trans artists find their authentic voice and express their desires, needs, boundaries, and limits. I support them with tools and practices to move through creative blocks so they can continue to move towards their most authentic selves. And yet, as I’ve prioritized connection in my life, and vowed to do the work of building bridges with people who don’t think like me, I’ve noticed that I’m deprioritizing authenticity.

I’ve also noticed that I’m only able to do this because of the strong sense of self I’m so lucky to have. For example, if someone doesn’t get my pronouns right or can’t understand my experience of gender, that no longer tells some anything about me (which in the past has felt or sounded like, “Maybe I don’t look nonbinary enough” or, “I shouldn’t have worn this dress” or, “I should consider changing my name” and so on), but rather serves simply as information about them. It tells me where they’re at in their thinking, in their openness. It tells me about their world view. It may even just tell me that they’re not a linguist, have a learning disability, or struggle with forethought when it comes to words. None of this has bearing on who I am or whether or not they care about me or our relationship, it’s just information. If I’ve told someone who I am and how to respect me and they can’t or won’t, I then get to make the choice about how I’d like to engage (or not) with them. I know who I am and there are people in my life who seem me for who I am. When people don’t, I’m solid enough that it doesn’t chip away at my sense of self, security, happiness, or my mood.

As a result of this sense of security I feel in my self-concept, I’m able to put aside, momentarily, my need for respect and belonging in order to build a bridge. I’m able and willing to put myself second, not to the person I’m engaging with but second to the goal of connection and changing minds, even slightly.

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