R asks: How do I practice consent with myself?

R asks: In the past I deeply violated my own boundaries. For sure in very different dimensions but right now I want to focus on the sexual (whatever that is). I already talked to myself about it a lot and researched the reasons why it happened. I also talked to myself to find out what it takes to make up with my self and how to rebuild trust. I still feel like there is a perspective that would help me that I cannot see right now. For sure more time and the practice of acknowledging and honouring my boundaries will help. But I guess I am just curious what you perceive about these kind of situations with oneself and having to embody and acknowledge multiple parts in oneself at the same time. So my question is: What guidelines would you recommend for this inner consent work?

First I want to say I love that you talk to yourself. I do too and I find it very helpful…when it’s helpful. I’m glad you’re finding it such. My one caveat there is to be careful not to let it turn into rumination, or stoking more stress. Sometimes I find that talking to myself helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings and find the clearest, most succinct language to express them. But sometimes I find that I talk to myself when I’m hungry or already stressed and it almost seems like I’m seeking out more stress, something else to be upset about, or I’m dwelling on something old to a point where it might even feel like it’s fresh again, rather than processing, moving, metabolizing the feelings.

As far as how to practice consent with yourself, I love the request for a little guide and I’ll do my best.

What would you like to ask a consent educator? Submit your questions here and I’ll answer them on this Substack.

Preorder my forthcoming book, How to Do Consent Without Sounding Like A Robot, here.

1. Take every opportunity. None is too small.

The barista mispronounced your name? Correct them. You can do so kindly and with a smile. Standing up for yourself doesn’t always have to be hard, tiresome, and humorless.

You can do this with your inner critic as well. You can say, “No thank you” to the criticism. Or you can set a timer. “10 minutes of self-pity and then I’m doing the dishes.”

2. Notice the small wins.

You said you were going to brush your teeth and you did? Congratulations! You said you were going to wake up after one snooze and you did? Great job! You said you were going to go for a walk today and you did? Yay!! You are in fact holding your boundaries all the time, it’s just way easier to notice when you don’t. Congratulate yourself. Build the habit of celebration. Teach yourself that you’re winning.

3. Practice saying no.

Say no to plans. Say no to a chore today. Say no when you might normally say yes even though you don’t want to do the thing.

But bear in mind, we are communal beings. Saying no to plans may result in fewer invites. Saying no to a chore might not go over well with a roommate. Don’t ruin your connections and burn your bridges by getting too no-happy.

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Morris Louis