Regret ≠ Blame
And that time my dog nearly ruined the carpet
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Regret does not necessarily mean that someone is to blame. It’s easy to feel regret and want to point a finger at a cause, at a locus, to identify who or what is “making you feel” some type of way. But regret can mean a lot of things besides fault.
The presence of regret can mean I just learned something about myself, including that I never want to do something again. It can mean I wouldn’t do something again if given the opportunity, that I’ve found a new boundary or I need to update my boundaries, that I am now aware that I wasn’t clear about something and I can figure out how to be clearer moving forward. It can mean you simply made a mistake. Regret can be information about how I feel without anyone having done anything wrong.
The impulse to blame is strong. I saw this very clearly once when I was at my parents’ house with my dog. It had rained recently and my dog went out and got her paws all muddy. She came bounding into the house and ran up the off-white carpeted stairs, all around the second floor of the house, leaving paw prints in her wake. I was upset because I knew my parents and specifically my dad would be upset, and I knew I’d have to clean it up. My mind went through several stages of blame. “It’s my parents’ fault for getting white carpeting.” “It’s the rain’s fault.” “It’s my dog’s fault.” The most uncomfortable stage was realizing that there was no one and nothing to blame. Once I realized that, I was able to figure out not only how to clean it up, but how to prevent it from happening again in the future. When the dog comes over, we should keep wipes by the door to wipe her feet before she can come inside if she’s been digging in the dirt. My blame-focused brain was unable to work towards a preferable future.
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Our legal system promotes this binary of perpetrator-victim, guilty-innocent, blameworthy-blameless. The pervasive idea is that if something bad happened, it’s either your fault or it’s my fault. We only have those options, legally. And this seeps into our personal lives. If I feel bad, or icky, or uncomfortable, it’s either the other person’s fault or it’s my fault. If I had sex I wish I hadn’t had, it’s either the other person’s fault or it’s my fault. (I’m not talking about rape, coercion, or assault. I’m talking about weird sex, bad sex, sex with someone I wish I hadn’t slept with like my best friend’s ex, etc.) Can we sit in the discomfort of not blaming anyone, including ourselves?
When we ascribe meaning to our regret beyond “I didn’t like that and don’t want to do it again,” we can spiral into a narrative that pits us against another. This destroys connection and it destroys community. This is particularly easy when there is little to no relationship between two people. Accountability is (nearly—I have to say, in order to account for what I can’t imagine) impossible without relationship. This is why it goes so poorly online in cancelation campaigns. We end up with massive games of telephone filled with only one side of a story. When I hear someone tell me about a bad experience they had with someone, I often wonder what the other person would say about them. For example, I had a student shadow me once on a call with an actor. She was asked to observe on the Zoom. She interrupted not once but twice. I spoke to her about it afterwards. I’ve since heard from someone else that that student says she had a really bad experience shadowing me. When she says that to someone, do they ask what she thinks I would say about my experience with her? Probably not.
It’s true that I am not safe in any kind of relationship with someone who repeatedly violates my clear boundaries. This is commonly understood. But it is also true that others are not safe with me if I am unable to know and clearly communicate my boundaries. If I don’t know what my boundaries are and can’t express them, those in relationship with me are at risk. Boundaries are a communal effort. They are not the responsibility of any one person. And if I need others to read my mind in order to know how to treat me, then I am not creating a safe environment for either of us. I’ve noticed that the more deeply I know myself—my needs, my boundaries, my limits, my desires—the easier it is for me to take risks and to take responsibility for the choices I make, even when they leave me feeling something other than stoked. Otherwise, my experience of regret becomes someone else’s fault.
I deeply believe that most consent violations and boundary crossings are unintentional. They often come from misunderstandings, unclear or unknown boundaries, confusion, outright ignorance or stupidity, media representations of relationships, sex, and gender roles and poor media literacy, things people have learned to the contrary in the past from authority figures, friends or lovers, or because someone has done that same thing to them before and they convinced themselves it must be okay. Because of this, in my work I prioritize repair, rehabilitation, and education. This means there’s no real place for blame or punishment. I believe that if we took the resources we spend on punishment and put them toward quality mental health services, support in healing, and education, we’d be working towards a world where those violations would be less likely in the future. Most people assume that consent violations are malicious and intentional abuses of power, but I think that’s another example of people pointing the finger of blame anywhere but themselves, talking about “those people” who need consent education, “those people” who are manipulative, who cause harm, who people please, who violate consent. This is a surefire way to never recognize the power you have to cause or perpetuate harm. I’ve said before: You will definitely abuse the power you refuse to believe you have. And when regret comes into play, it can leave us feeling utterly powerless.
In my last article I talked about risks. I said, “I want to take risks and challenge myself. This is how I learn new things—whether that’s new skills or new information about myself—and grow into the person I want to be. I want to explore my curiosities even when they come with fear or resistance. I want to be able to take risks, so I don’t punish others for taking risks with me. I want to be able to take risks, so I try to handle my regret, embarrassment, or icky feelings without blaming anyone, including myself. I want to be able to take risks so I make a plan to support myself before, during, and after. Then I take responsibility for the choices I make, even when they’re risky, and even when I regret them.” Some of these risks I choose to take I might regret. My regret is information for me about myself, about the activity, maybe even about the other person (I may determine I don’t feel safe engaging in a particular activity with them), but my regret does not have to mean any more than that.
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Hi, I’m Mia. I found consent through Intimacy Coordination and fell in love with it so much that I decided to dedicate my life to making it as widely available as possible.
I offer classes on consent and creativity, people pleasing, the romantic comedy, as well as trainings for people who want to learn to teach consent. You can read more and sign up at consentwizardry.com.
Follow me on IG @consent.wizardry.