This is a guest post by Brooks Herr-Cardillo, who’s teaching Grief and Loss on the Boundaries and Consent Journey October 22-November 12.
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When we love someone, we often bring them to our special spots.
If the relationship ends, ruptures, experiences conflict or distance... then the places we shared with them can take on complex meaning. They may feel suddenly inaccessible - lost to us or forever changed. If those places are part of our home, on our drive to work, important aspects of routine... we may find ourselves confronted constantly with big and difficult grief.
Pictured above, is a reading I did for myself at the top of a solo hike. The place held significance in a recent breakup, and a few days after the split I was compelled to go up there to reflect. The hike culminates in a big wide grassy spot, surrounded by trees. I did not know what I would do when I got to the top, or how it would reset the place for me... but I had the sense that revisiting it immediately (rather than avoiding it for a few months) was reclaiming something important.
Every action becomes significant if a place holds meaning - where we choose to sit, what we touch or see, the smells, the time of year, what we do/eat, the movements of the weather, who we bring (or don't bring) with us. When I reached the clearing, I sat somewhere different than usual and laid for a long time, eyes closed with the sun on my face. I ate popcorn and applesauce and did a tarot reading for myself. I had moments that felt idle and unclear - I even took a small snooze. I wasn't trying to shut out the afternoon that had passed there with my lover, or erase her from the fabric of the place... but I was trying to allow that experience to cross over, become memory. I did this by adding a new bead to the string.
Some tips I have for relating to 'place' while processing loss:
Visit
I recommend going alone, without goals or a plan for a ceremony. Bring your body, your thoughts, your smell, your snacks, your book... Think of this as continuing your relationship with the place itself.
Add new, intentional memories
Meet friends , have a gathering, change the artwork. One way of changing the chemistry of a charged place, is to add new layers of experience and joy there.
Tell someone else what it means to you
There is a small farm stand along the highway that makes me sad... and I pass it at least three times per week. One day, I had the impulse to tell a friend about the memory that lives there. I told her in detail, until I felt like she could picture the beauty of that day and moment... and then I said, "So now I won't be the only one who drives by and thinks about that." Having someone else help us hold the meaning invites connection in to the whole deal. I still feel sad when I pass that place, but I also feel loved and supported.
Use ceremony
Perform a symbolic action there - this can be a small memorial, a severance ritual, formal farewell, cleaning/clearing practice, even scent-marking. Don't underestimate a small gesture or pile the pressure on to make it perfect. Remember: the ritual is a form of non-verbal communication between you and the place.
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You can sign up for Brooks’ class here.
Follow Brooks on Substack.