Trying to be friends with your ex when you've still got the feels

Should I tell him every time my heart races? Or should I silently wait for the maybe of my feelings subsiding?

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M asks: My ex long-term partner and I are trying to become friends. I still carry romantic love for him (he doesn't), and I'm fighting hard to not express them as such. However my choice to be his friend stems from that love, and so does everything I share with him. I've explained my feelings, so he knows, but doesn't necessarily seem to understand the depth of my dilemma.

Should I tell him every time my heart races? Or should I silently wait for the maybe of my feelings subsiding?

Do I need to show him what my love looks like now in order for him to be able to consent to the friendship?

First I want to say that this question is so touching and relatable. I’ve been there! And I’m sure so many others who subscribe to this newsletter can relate, too, so I’m glad you asked.

There’s a few parts to your question that I want to address and I’ll do so in reverse order of how they’ve been put forward.

1. Do I need to show him what my love looks like now in order for him to be able to consent to the friendship?

I would be cautious not to overuse the word consent here. Relationships are dynamic, they’re changing all the time, and they’re multi-faceted. If we define consent as an agreement between two (or more) people, as many do, it’s hard to shove the concept of a relationship into the bounds of ‘an agreement.’ A relationship may contain many agreements, or many agreements may be made throughout or within a relationship, but I don’t see a relationship as an agreement. I don’t “agree” to a relationship, I am in a relationship and I can exit or adjust as needed. If we define consent as an ongoing practice of deep listening, checking in with yourself and others, and an approach to communication, as I do, then we don’t really “consent to” things in the way the term is used colloquially, as it implies that consent is a thing that happens in one moment. The idea that consent is a thing that occurs in one moment conflates consent with permission, as though they are the same thing. Permission is part of consent, but it is not the end. Defining consent as an ongoing practice should make that clear. In that sense, a relationship is not something consented to, though it is something in which consent is practiced. “We practice consent in our relationship in xyz ways,” as opposed to, “I have consented to this relationship.” I hope that makes sense. (For more on this, check out my What is consent? recorded class, available for free, as well as this piece on what consent is and what it is not.)

With that in mind, I don’t think you are obligated to tell him anything, so long as your intention with the friendship is not to convince him to get back together with you. Only you know whether or not this is the case. If your intention is to figure out how to be friends, then I think you’re in the clear, so to speak. If you’re only trying to be his friend in order to weasel your way back into a romantic relationship with him, to keep him from dating someone new, or to manipulate in any way, then you’re being, well—manipulative. I can’t tell you whether or not you’re doing this. You know :)

2. Should I tell him every time my heart races? Or should I silently wait for the maybe of my feelings subsiding?

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Agnes Martin