Undiagnosed gut issues made me a stoner with disordered eating
First published on my blog in 2023
Unblocked: Moving through creative blocks with a self-consent practice starts 5/15.
I was born via c-section, rejected breastmilk, and was on antibiotics a lottttt as a toddler, and have a gene mutation that makes me predisposed to gut issues and autoimmune disease. All of this lead to an underdeveloped gut microbiome, which resulted in years of undiagnosed issues such as eczema on my face, neck, and arms, cystic acne, extreme fatigue, diarrhea, puking a lot, and so much more. I saw countless doctors who ran tests and either told me nothing was wrong, or that I had a “lazy personality” or was “just anorexic.”
I didn’t know that I was eating a bunch of foods I not only couldn’t digest, but which were wrecking my gut leading to malnourishment. The very foods doctors told me to eat more of (butter, full fat milk, lots of bread, etc.) were the foods leading to my puny size that was getting me misdiagnosed with anorexia. Forcing myself to eat food I couldn’t process lead to disordered eating because eating made me horribly anxious and often sick. I would often avoid it at all costs until I couldn’t stand the hunger anymore and then merely eat until I didn’t feel hunger pains and no more.
All of this affected my appetite. I often wouldn’t even feel hungry and the thought of food would make me nauseous. Knowing I needed to eat, I started smoking copious amount of pot. This made me even more tired, dissociative, and despondent. It contributed to the narrative that I was lazy, slacking, and not living up to my potential. From the outside I looked like an anorexic stoner who slept 10-12 hours a day, fell asleep during class, and didn’t care about school. On the inside, I was in immense pain.
In a world that told me to “shut up and be normal,” I learned to tell myself to shut up and be normal. Eat the food everyone else could eat. Do the things everyone else could do. If I was complaining, that must mean I was just too sensitive. A weakling. And this was reflected in my size. I was always underweight and short, developmentally behind all my peers.
When I finally got my diagnoses in 2019, it turned out I had 5 different things, that gene mutation being one of them. This was within a few weeks of beginning to learn about consent.
My approach to consent is deeply tied to my experience with chronic illness, medical gaslighting, and the mind gut connection. They are inextricably linked.
Recognizing the ways that I had ignored my body’s attempts at communicating its needs, crossed my own boundaries, and violated my own consent helped me begin to repair my relationship with my body. It learned it didn’t need to scream so loud in order to be heard.
This came with a lot of grief and a lot of work that I’m still parsing through. I often wish I’d known then what I know now. And yet, I move forward.
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Hi, I’m Mia. I found consent through Intimacy Coordination and fell in love with it so much that I decided to dedicate my life to making it as widely available as possible.
I offer classes on consent and creativity, people pleasing, the romantic comedy, as well as trainings for people who want to learn to teach consent. You can read more and sign up at consentwizardry.com.
Follow me on IG @consent.wizardry.