Ways to make it easier for people to say 'no' to you

Part II, Chapter 8 cont'd

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People struggle to say no for a variety of reasons. Some may feel they need to protect others from their no, from their needs, and from their desires. Instead, they try to guess other people's needs (which often leads to a lot of projection and assumptions) and meet them preemptively. This causes a whole lot of anxiety, misunderstandings, and resentment. It’s often part of a people-pleasing or appeasement (also known as fawn) response.

Another common reason is a fear of retaliation. They've likely had negative experiences when they've said no in the past. People have gotten angry or punished them. They don't have the embodied expectation of having their boundaries received with gratitude and respect.

A lot of people struggle with knowing what their boundaries feel like. They've been gaslit by parents, authority figures, teachers, doctors, and society to the point of distrusting their body's cues of safety and danger. They've learned to push past their boundaries because of various shoulds prescribed by systems of control or people in their life, such as, “This is how I should dress or act, or what I should want because of my gender,” or, “I should work myself to the bone so I can move up at my job even at the expense of my personal relationships.”

For numerous reasons, we might lose touch with our capacity. A lot of us have cultivated a sense of urgency and productivity within ourselves to meet the needs of “the market,” our jobs, or what we perceive to be our role in society or our family structure. We’ve pushed ourselves past our limits so much and so frequently that we’ve lost touch with what being at capacity feels like.

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There are quite a few ways I’ve found to make it easier for people to say “no” to you.

1. Asking open-ended questions instead of yes-or-no questions is super helpful.

Ex. Instead of "Can I _____?"

Try: "How does ______ sound?”

2. Another way is to ask about someone’s feelings, which can help them actually check with themself.

Ex. Instead of "Is ______ okay?"

Try: "How do you feel about_____?”

3. Giving someone multiple choice can also be really helpful, especially if someone’s actively stressed. It takes the creative labor of decision making off of them.

Ex. Instead of “What do you need right now?”

4. Try making concrete offers: “Would you like water? Do you want to be held? Do you want space?”

A good trick is to try to make an offer or a request into a yes. “Yes” will always be easier to say than “no.”