We found a line because we crossed it: How to repair after a sexual breach of trust in a committed relationship

If you want to

CW: Rape, sexual assault

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Last weekend, we had the same conflict we keep having. A communication breakdown leaves me feeling unconsidered; the minimal time we get together that I’ve set aside to accommodate his busy schedule gets overlooked leaving me feeling unappreciated. I blow up, overreact, threaten to leave, to hit eject. It’s a cycle we’re working on.

But what normally would have been maybe an 8/10 level conflict was dialed up to 11. He was sleeping on the couch because I didn’t want to be near him. I didn’t want to be touched, I couldn’t make eye contact. My skin was crawling. Once he shared that my words made him feel insecure, that I wanted to leave him, I softened. That softening allowed me to ask myself, “Why is this feeling so big?”

A memory came back. Earlier that week, we experienced a pretty serious rupture of trust in our sex life. We found a line because we crossed it, which is oh-so-common, especially when engaging in anything remotely kink-related. With a desire like mine—to be used—I understand that I’m signing up for a certain amount of trial and error, of risk, and that we may find a boundary we didn’t know was there because we’ve gone too far and have to repair. In this instance, I brought it up shortly after it happened. I told him I felt like a discarded sock. We talked about it, we discussed how to make sure it doesn’t happen again, and then we had very sweet sex. He said he understood it as “the difference between being used and being treated like an object.” It felt resolved.

“You get to do things to me that no one else has ever gotten to do because I trust you so much.”

But as I gauged my own behavior objectively (“I didn’t want to be touched, I couldn’t make eye contact. My skin was crawling,” “a memory came back,” as in I had blocked it out) I thought, I’m acting like someone who feels violated. It seems like I feel violated. Mentally and even emotionally to a large degree, I had moved on. But physically, somatically, my body had not caught up.

I’ve told my partner, “You get to do things to me that no one else has ever gotten to do because I trust you so much.” One of the most beautiful things about my partner’s sexuality is that he seems to get off on trust. His sexuality isn’t so much visual or even physical, but emotional. Trust turns him on. As a result, he puts a lot of work into cultivating an incredible sense of safety and comfort. Through this deep trust has arisen a desire I didn’t know I had, a desire that scares me a little: I want him to drug me and have sex with me while I’m asleep.

Below the paywall…

• A tangent about CNN’s report on an online “rape academy”

• Steps for repair after a violation in a relationship

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