What should I do if she says, "You don't need to do all that consent stuff?"
Run.
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What should I do if she says, "You don't need to do all that consent stuff?"
I’ve gotten this question quite a few times in my career as a consent educator and intimacy coordinator. My initial impulse is always to reply, “Run. Get out of there as fast as you can. You are not safe.” But I take my time and try to remember that connection is my priority—with the person asking and for them with the person they’re talking about.
Upfront, some binaries to thwart:
Binaries worth throwing interrogating:
man - woman (the gender binary)
this shows up as “Consent is men’s responsibility; saying no is women’s.” If you have any kind of religious upbringing that talks about things like “men are the gas, women are the brakes,” you’re familiar with this line of thinking. This is not only trans-exclusionary, but it absolves women of their responsibility to practice consent and leads to them causing all kinds of harm. Men often experience sexual assault, but it’s rarely talked about. They rarely see themselves represented in the narrative of sexual assault as victims or survivors, so they often don’t even know that’s what happened to them. I’ve heard from so many friends and clients (I offer consent lessons for cis men as part of my work) stories of assault, but they’re almost never naming their experience as such. This means they don’t seek out help and support in healing, they don’t recognize their own signs of trauma, and they often end up retreating from sex, dating, and relationships without understanding what’s going on.
When I tell women I teach consent, they often say, “That’s amazing. Men really need that.” When I hear this, I recoil and feel less safe. Everyone needs consent education.
When you decide that consent is someone else’s responsibility, you inadvertently give away a significant portion of your autonomy and agency.
consenting - not consenting or consensual - nonconsensual and, similarly, wanting - not wanting
There are so many internal and external forces at play in any decision we make. In the realm of sex, these factors include your hormones, societal norms and expectations (especially around gender. The expectations of women are widely known, discussed, and are probably what come to mind most easily. But to my above point, many men feel pressured to have sex or to want to have sex at any moment and the story goes, if they don’t, there’s something wrong with them or they’re unmanly, or their partner will feel undesirable, which is ultimately a failing of theirs), that article you read in Cosmo on an airplane when you were 14 about how to give the ultimate blow job (just me?), romantic comedies and what Dean Spade calls the Romance Myth, all the Sex and the City episodes you ever saw, your desires for right now, your desires for later, your desires from yesterday, what you think your partner’s desires are, your energy level, so on and so forth. As you can see, few of these factors have anything to do with what’s going on right now between two people engaging in sex.
I may want to have sex, and want to go to sleep, and want to get some water, and want to connect with my partner emotionally, and want to cuddle, and then decide to have sex. All the parts in me are not 100% on board with the choice, but enough of them are on board enough that I choose the sex option. Enthusiasm may not be part of the picture at all.
Now that we got that out of the way…
So far, when I’ve been asked this question, it’s always been a cis man and the experience they’re referencing is with a cis woman. Because of the social norm that men are supposed to practice consent—check in, ask permission—but that women don’t have to, many women feel it’s their choice to decide whether or not consent is part of the picture.
Permission can be such a relief, such a release of tension, pressure, fear, anxiety, especially in a first hookup. On its face, permission can seem like it’s for the benefit of the person being asked, but permission is often equally if not entirely for the person doing the asking. Receiving permission lets me really go for it 100%. It lets me relax and explore, play, try, be curious. It means I’m not having to mind read.
My simplest response to men who ask me this is, “You tell them ‘I’m doing this for me.’”
But: When I get this question the advice I actually want to give is, “Get the fuck out of there. You’re not safe with this person.” If someone says, “You don’t have to do all that consent stuff,” you better believe they are not practicing consent. This is someone who does not know what consent is and doesn’t think they have to do it. They’re telling you that your dynamic is imbalanced. They’re telling you they don’t care about your safety.
I say this regardless of gender. If anyone thinks that you’re practicing consent just for their benefit, you’re in trouble. Protect yourselves, folks. Consent isn’t just about how to treat other people, it’s also about how you want to be treated by others and by yourself.
My book, Unsolicited Advice: the Canceled Memoir of a Consent Educator, is available only on Substack and starts here.
Sol leWitt
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Holiday Prep: Boundaries Quickie 12/12 + 12/13
Boundaries + Consent for People Pleasers 1/27–2/24
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After spending ten years in New York working in theater and visual art, I returned to my hometown of Los Angeles in 2018. I’m a writer, consent educator, multi-media philosopher-artist, and Intimacy Coordinator for TV, Film, and Theater invested in helping others find their voice. My BA in Philosophy, and my academic background in gender studies, ethics, and neuroscience informs my work. I am the author of Boundaries & Consent: A Workbook (Flower Press, 2022) and the Boundaries + Consent for People Pleasers workbook (For the Birds Trapped in Airports, 2023).
You can book me to speak at your company, organization, or university by contacting sean@collectivespeakers.com.
I offer classes on consent and creativity, people pleasing, the romantic comedy, as well as trainings for people who want to learn to teach consent. I offer 1:1 coaching on:
Unblocked: cultivating secure attachment with your creativity
Boundaries + Your Business
Consent Lessons for Cis Men
You can read more and sign up at consentwizardry.com.
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