“You Can’t Fake Believe in God”

Part I, Chapter 2: Choice in Nonbelief

From my book, Unsolicited Advice: The Canceled Memoir of a Consent Educator

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January 20, 2021, Thursday, 7:38am

I asked Lillie [my sister] how dad was doing with pronouns and she said he was really struggling and it unleashed an avalanche and I was hard on him out of nowhere and I regret it. I was thinking last night about how I cancel myself in my head and cancel others, looking for reasons not to like them or for red flags that will eventually rupture our relationships. There’s always a “but” with my respect or love for someone. My thoughts go to “Eventually this will pull us apart and I’ll move on.” It’s cruel. It’s ultimatums. It’s preemptive and close minded. It’s why I don’t forgive people or allow them to change. It’s alienating and isolating. This attitude puts me above others as a judge of character. There are positive aspects, for sure, but it’s not cool most of the time. It’s not who I want to be.

One evening in 2002, when I was twelve, I was in the midst of learning my torah portion and writing my speech for my upcoming Bat Mitzvah (my parsha was Noah’s ark, and I wrote my speech about global warming and criticizing George W. Bush’s environmental policies)¹. My dad came into my room to say goodnight, as he usually did. That night, he also said he had to tell me something about his relationship to Judaism. I vaguely remember my mom standing in the doorway, but that might be an addition my brain made up. My dad sat on my bed and told me that he wanted to be honest with me now that I was becoming a Bat Mitzvah.

“I don’t believe in god.”

In an instant, my dad had just un-jacked me from the Matrix. He had given me the choice of nonbelief. He was showing me that I could say no.

Photo by Summer Wagner

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