Gatekeeping queerness doesn't make you more queer

Don't we want more people to feel like they can be openly and vocally out?

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I’ve never understood the impulse to gatekeep queerness. As queer people, don’t we want more people to feel free to explore their sexuality? Doesn’t it benefit us for there to be more of us and more who feel confident being vocally out? If we consistently tell people they’re not queer enough and police their behavior, aren’t we doing ourselves a disservice?

Gatekeeping queerness in my life recently has shown up in the form of comments like, “That’s a straight couple that wishes they were queer,” or a coworker cross-examining another coworker by asking, “How many women have you slept with?” as though someone can’t know they’re queer (or straight, for that matter) without ever having had any sex at all. Discussions around ‘queer-baiting’ (loosely defined as when straight people co-opt a queer aesthetic¹) more often forcibly out queer people than get a straight person to consider their privilege.

Before I was ready to call myself queer, one of the things that kept me from doing so was a fear that other queer people would tell me I wasn’t queer enough or trans enough. What a tragic reason to suppress your sexuality and gender. Is this really what we want? We want more people to feel afraid to come out? We want people to feel like they have to have x, y, and z kinds of sex before they can say they’re queer? What a pity. What a weird way to police people.

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Frida Kahlo